tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS April 11, 2017 11:35pm-12:38am EDT
captioning sponsored by cbs >> hi, i'm white house chief strategist steve bannon. recently the "washington post" reported that a home i was renting in florida contained a bathtub that was covered in acid. look, the only thing you're going to find in a steve bannon tub is steve bannon. >> it's time for steve bannon's bathtub musing. >> i don't like the term white supremacist. i prefer brown minimalist. ( laughter ) >> oh, steve. >> i believe the san francisco earthquake of 1906 was an inside job to promote the gay agenda.
>> behave! >> birth control turns women into werewolves. >> mmm! >> little known fact, the words corporate media, globalist and pancakes are all just different ways to say jewish. ( laughter ) >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight stephen welcomes bryan cranston! audra mcdonald! and comedian greer barnes. featuring jon batiste and "stay human." now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause )
>> stephen: hey! how's it going? ( cheers and applause ) well, thank you very much! thanks, everybody! you're too kind! welcome to "the late show"! i'm your host stephen colbert! happy first day of spring! the birds are chirping, the brooks are babbling, and the neighbors are yelling for me to turn down my nature sounds c.d. ( laughter ) now, if you're in the northeast, it may not feel like spring, since it's still pretty chilly today, though, just a few weeks ago, it was in the 60s. god, i wish it was winter again so i could wear shorts. ( laughter ) you can't tell. >> jon: yeah, you never know. >> stephen: of course, last week trump released his first budget. they're calling it a hard power budget because it features a $54-billion-increase in military spending, and to pay for the new spending, trump is cutting everything else.
like the corporation for public broadcasting which funds pbs. ( audience boos ) look, look, i know. but trump's a real estate developer. it was only a matter of time before he put up condos on "sesame street." ( cheers and applause ) trump is also-- ♪ can you tell me how to get ♪ how to get to "sesame street" you can't. it's gone. ( laughter ) ♪ one of these things is not like the others ♪ ♪ one of these things was cut from the budget ♪ ( laughter ) donald trump's also eliminating the national endowment for the arts and the national endowment for the humanities. ( audience boos ) i am not surprised, because he's jealous of anyone who is well- endowed. ( laughter ) plus, trump's slashing the e.p.a.'s budget by 31%. ( audience boos ) and "the great lakes restoration initiative, which fights
invasive species like the sea lamprey, could see its funding slashed by 97%. if you're not familiar with the sea lamprey, you might know it as the vicious, flesh-eating hell beast from your worst nightmares. ( laughter ) or as steve bannon calls it, "my mentor." ( applause ) this budget-- >> jon: get off, get off! >> stephen: this budget is so ruthless, it's cutting funding for "meals on wheels." really? ( audience boos ) really? cutting meals on wheels? that isn't just heartless, it's bad marketing. you always stick with things that rhyme. meals on wheels! crack is whack! hop on pop! two buck chuck! avoid the noid! be kind, rewind! this program provides elderly
shut-ins just minimal nutrition and a scrap of human dignity. what kind of heartless monster could be against that? >> colbert: did someone say "fiscal conservative?" ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: oh, say hello to my conservative pundit colleague, stephen colbert. hey, stephen, how are you? >> colbert: hello, nation. stay strong. be brave. >> stephen: now, just to be clear, stephen, you are not the character i used to play from my old show, are you? because i really wouldn't want-- >> colbert: that cuck? i could not be more different. here's the difference: his favorite sandwich is a b.l.t. okay? i like a t.l.b. the "b" stands for balls. it's delicious, put it in your mouth. ( laughter ) >> stephen: good to know. so what's so important that you had break into my show just now? because i was doing a monologue. >> colbert: oh, believe me, stephen, i have better things to do out here in the woods. i've been hunting the most dangerous game.
>> stephen: you're hunting humans? >> colbert: no, bears! have you forgotten so soon? they are godless killing machines, all right? besides, humans are out of season. no, stephen, i'm here because america needs me. plus, i wanted to stop you from making an ass of yourself on network tv with your misguided analysis of trump's budget. >> stephen: oh, you think you can do better? >> colbert: do better? my middle name is do. >> stephen: okay, well, then. i guess the stage is yours. ladies and gentleman, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> colbert: woo! yeah, let's go over here. ( cheers and applause )
( cheers and applause ) thank you, nation! jon, you're a good man! >> jon: yes, indeed! ( audience chanting stephen ) ( cheers and applause ) >> colbert: thank you, everybody. thank you, nation. you know, folks, trump's budget is getting heat because it's supposedly cruel to old people for no reason. when, in fact, they've got a very good reason. and that brings us to tonight's "werd:" ( cheers and applause ) screw unto others. now, you heard the guy who normally sits here moaning about these cuts to meals on wheels, but that guy, he's a well-known grandma hugger. ( laughter ) people are saying that this budget lacks compassion, but white house budget director and 49-year-old temp mick mulvaney
knows that it's just the opposite. >> i think it's probably one of the most compassionate things we can do to actually-- >> cutting programs that help the elderly-- >> you're only focusing on half the equation, right? you're focusing on recipients of the money. we're trying to focus on both the recipients of the money and the folks who give us the money in the first place. >> colbert: yes, you can't just focus on helping the needy and forget the people whose taxes pay for it. that's like praying for the accident victim who needed a transfusion and forgetting about the guy who's walking around a pint light now. give the guy a cookie. ( laughter ) now, mulvaney had to cut meals on wheels because they "failed to meet their objectives." yes! it's called "meals on wheels," but how often do you see a hamburger driving down the highway? ( laughter ) now folks, i know what you're saying: "they did meet their objective, stephen. they brought food to the elderly." well, technically, yes, greg.
and we all know what happens to food after we eat it. we are literally throwing money down the toilet. ( laughter ) and meals on wheels started in 1972. now, i haven't checked the stats, but i'm pretty sure all of those people are dead now. ( laughter ) besides, think about this: mulvaney said, the primary goal of trump's budget is not driving cheetos to grandpa after he gets the munchies from his glaucoma pot, okay? it's defending america. ( laughter ) and these food-addicted seniors haven't killed any members of isis. if we want to keep america safe, why waste money on meals on wheels that could be used on weapons systems? ( laughter ) now, a lot of people say that mulvaney is being cruel to old people. that's not fair. he's also being cruel to young people. ( laughter ) because here's the deal: this budget also cuts after school
lunch programs for poor kids, but again, for a very good reason. >> they're supposed to be educational programs, right? that's what they're supposed to do, they're supposed to help kids who can't-- who don't get fed at home, get fed so they do better in school. guess what? there's no demonstrable evidence they're actually doing that. there's no demonstrable evidence that they're actually helping results, helping kids do better in school. >> colbert: yes, why feed children if they aren't doing better in school? take the food away, and maybe they'll be hungry for knowledge. ( laughter ) and remember, mulvaney's not doing this to be mean, he's looking out for taxpayers. >> i think it's fairly compassionate to go to them and say, look, we're not going to ask you for your hard-earned money, anymore. single mom of two in detroit, okay? >> colbert: good point, mick. i, for one, wouldn't want to be the fella who has to tell a single mom of two in detroit, "i'm sorry, ma'am, but i'm afraid we're going to feed your children." ( laughter )
the only thing that worries me is that this isn't actually a budget. you see, this is just the president's wish list. and mick mulvaney is just trump's magical monkey paw. ( laughter ) congress are the only ones who can make a budget. so my real worry here is that a lot of people might go to www.house.gov and find out how to call their congressman and tell them to protect kids and old people, and that could derail-- ( applause ) because if they do that, if they called congress and did that, that could derail all of donald trump's compassion. and that might upset that lonely old man. upset him so much that he just becomes a shut-in. stays in the white house, doesn't even eat, and someone has to bring him a meal. ( laughter ) and that's "the werd." ( cheers and applause ) that other guy's got a great show for you tonight. bryan cranston is here. and after the commercial break, there's going to be puppies.
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new pantene doesn't just wash i wiyour hair, it fuels it.gain. making every strand stronger. so tangles don't stand a chance. because strong is beautiful. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: yeah! welcome back, everybody! give it up for jon batiste and "stay human" right now! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ right there! oh, oh! folks, i got to tell you, there is no mistaking a monday crowd. that's it right here, they're alive on the planet. folks, you know i'm a huge animal lover. that's why i do whatever i can to help out all the world's creatures that i don't want to eat. ( laughter ) we recently did an immensely popular segment, where aubrey plaza and i tried to help find some adorable rescue dogs a home by telling you, the audience, some enticing lies about these puppies. ( laughter )
and here's something that is not a lie-- every single puppy featured in that segment ended up successfully adopted! ( cheers and applause ) all of them! that's it! well, you know what? i would love to do that again sometime... if only there was another beloved celebrity who wanted to help rescue a bunch of puppies by lying about them. >> did someone say bryan cranston? ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) did you say bryan cranston? >> stephen: i can't tell. i can't tell at this point. ( cheers and applause ) yeah, bryan. bryan. i had no idea that you were coming out here. >> really? it's been booked for weeks. ( laughter ) >> stephen: now that you're here, bryan, it's time for another episode of "rescue dog rescue"! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ welcome to "rescue dog rescue." quick reminder-- all the puppies
we have here tonight are actual adoptable dogs from north shore animal league america. bryan, are you ready to get these guys a good home? >> no, stephen... i'm ready to get these guys a great home! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: let's begin. who do we have here, do we have the first puppy? excellent! oh! ( audience reacts ) here we go -- oh! hello! this is grace, okay? if you have kids, grace is the puppy for you. grace has the ability to sing the entire soundtrack to the 2010 disney hit movie "tangled." grace also knows all the lyrics to "let it go" from the movie "frozen"-- but will not sing it. ( cheers and applause ) >> oh, that's sweet. this is sterling. ( audience reacts ) yeah. you say, "oh," now, but sterling is getting his life back together. he's sober now.
( laughter ) but don't worry because he still loves to party. party animal, which means you'll always have a designated driver. plus, because of his club days, he can get you anything you need. ( laughter ) but none for you, right? right? that's the old sterling. right? stay strong. >> stephen: who do we have here? this is columbus. ( audience reacts ) columbus is a very good-- wait a second, this is a cat! no, no cats, no. ( laughter ) get him the hell out of here! dogs only, no loving home for you, cat! no! no! maybe conan will help you, not me! another one. dog. dog. >> wow. >> stephen: you've got to be firm. there are rules. it's "rescue dog rescue," bryan. there are rules. >> okay. >> stephen: this is scout. scout is a hound mix who loves french cinema-- but, more importantly, this dog isn't a total dick about it. ( laughter )
scout can actually open your eyes to the value of godard's work without making you feel small. also, four legs-- perfect number for a dog. ( laughter ) who do we have here? who do we have? here we go. aww. this is ginger. ginger has "benjamin button" disease and "memento" disease. so every time you see her, she'll be even cuter, and more excited to meet you for the first time. ( laughter ) >> and say howdy to poppy. poppy, here are you? there you are, poppy! oh, come on, poppy! look at this! mwah! now, poppy is what's known as a norwegian wishing dog. and she only has one wish left, but it worked out pretty well for her previous owner, lin- manuel miranda! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: okay. who do we have here? oh, oh! hey, cutie.
this here is lady. hi, lady! lady is a hound mix that is also in show business. currently, she's working as the second unit director on "game of thrones!" ( laughter ) which means lady knows all the spoilers from season seven! who dies? who's the one who dies? oh, but i loved him-or-her! no! >> ah! and this, this is brody. hi, brody. come on, buddy. oh, come on, brody. that's it. now, brody can't confirm that he was part of the mission that killed bin laden... ( laughter ) but let's just say that he's "well traveled." thank you for your service. ( laughter ) >> stephen: and who do we have here? who's up next? all right. who do we have here? oh! we have an adorable puppy. ( applause ) we have an adorable puppy. this is columbus. and columbus has a note!
and the note say, "i am a puppy, not a kitten in a puppy costume." well, that checks out. which means columbus is also available for adoption! who's a good doggy? yes, you are! so head to the "late show's" website: www.colbertlateshow.com-- the dogs are all fine. pay no attention to the yelling. for more information on how you can adopt all of these dogs today from the north shore animal league america. bryan cranston, everybody. we'll be right back with bryan cranston. ( cheers and applause )
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( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight is an emmy and tony award-winning actor you know as walter white, dalton trumbo, and president lyndon johnson. please welcome one of the finest, most distinguished actors of our generation, bryan cranston!
( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ bryan cranston, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> good to see you, stephen. >> stephen: bryan, good to have you here. >> nice to be back. ( laughter ) >> stephen: yeah, you know even just reading the introduction there, i'm just struck by what an extraordinary-- um-- what an extraordinary roster of work you've put up there. i mean, you always approach everything with just such tremendous heart and emotional honesty and a true-- a true core of truth. >> well, thank you-- thank you, stephen. i do try to approach each
character with a level of dignity and-- ( laughter ) >> stephen: bryan, you look like you're having a little trouble with the helmet. do you want to take the helmet off? >> i would really love to. ( laughter ) >> stephen: okay. >> but i don't know how. ( laughter ) >> stephen: let me give you a hand. i think there's a little latch right here. hold on just a second. hold on. >> ow, ow, ow! ( cheers and applause ) thank you. >> stephen: there you go, there you go. >> thank you, stephen. >> stephen: now, this takes me to my first question, which is, you're in-- is it "saban's power rangers." >> yes, "saban's power rangers." >> stephen: which power ranger? >> what makes you ask that question? ( laughter ) >> stephen: oh, i saw an ad. >> oh, yeah right, yeah. >> stephen: very proud of you. >> it's looking very good. >> stephen: which power ranger are you playing? >> well, i'm not a power ranger per se. i play a character named zordon, which is a disembodied head in the walls of a ship, which, you
know, is very common. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i'm just curious why the red power ranger outfit, then? >> well, i've always wanted to be a ranger. ( laughter ) >> stephen: okay. all right. we have-- i think we have a clip of you as zordon here. >> you do? >> stephen: do we happen to know what's happening in this clip? >> i don't know. i think it's when i first meet these new rangers. >> stephen: okay. >> who are not yet working as a team and that's what they will need to do in order to save the universe. >> stephen: let's find out. jim. >> you mean to tell me that the fate of the universe is placed in the hands of these children? >> they're teenagers, somewhere between infancy and full maturity. it's hard to explain really, i don't-- >> show me the coins. the morphing grid is never wrong. if the power coins have returned to the ship with these teenagers, then these teenagers are the power rangers.
>> okay, quick question. did i just hear you say we're power rangers? >> yes, yes, you are the power rangers. any other questions? >> no, i think i'm good. >> good. >> wow. >> stephen: wow. ( cheers and applause ) wow. so, um... you are a floating head. >> yeah. >> stephen: did you, how-- you're a method actor. how do you prepare to play a floating head inside a space ship? >> i first severed a head-- ( laughter ) >> stephen: not your own. >> not my own. um, you know, you approach a character the same way, whether you're doing something like this in a fantasy sequence, or historical context or something. >> stephen: but i'm guessing that in this one you mostly did voiceover and were allowed to keep your sweat pants on the entire time. >> that's not the reason i took the job, stephen, if that's what
you're-- ( laughter ) >> stephen: i'm just saying, you probably didn't have to wear pants when you did this one. >> well, you're right. when i did just the head, i was nude from the-- i have a nudity clause in every contract. ( laughter ) but it's the opposite of what you think. i have to be naked all the time. ( laughter ) >> stephen: now, you are not new to the universe of power rangers, i understand, because, back in the '90s, before you were the great bryan cranston, you were working actor bryan cranston, and i understand that we have a clip here of you as one of the monsters in the 1990s. >> yes! >> stephen: this is-- you're playing snizzard. ( laughter ) jim, do we need to set up the scene? >> it's noting to snizzer at, but, it's, um-- >> stephen: jim? >> now you will feel the full power of the zapper apple! >> mmm!
>> you won't get away with this! >> goodbye, power ranger! ahhh! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you were snizzard, you were the monster there? >> i played a bunch of different monsters when the show first came over to the states from japan. they needed to dub it into english, and i played a lot of the monsters, because even at 23, i think, when i did it, my voice was rather low, so i would say-- ( low voice ) you will not defeat me! slibbidy dee, slibbidy do. ( laughter ) he would always have some kind of rhyme. i shall slice off your toe! or whatever. >> stephen: can i feel your hands? are you sweaty in there? >> no, i'm actually very comfortable. >> stephen: really? >> yeah. i can control my own body temperature. ( laughter ) >> stephen: oh, wow. >> just through a thought process. >> stephen: that's incredible. >> i'm going to drop it five degrees. ( laughter ) there. >> stephen: can you stop your heart, too? >> i can stop my heart, and so
can my wife. ( audience reacts ) >> stephen: well, this is not the first time-- ( laughter ) okay. the reason i ask, you're comfortable in the outfit. >> i am comfortable, yes. >> stephen: you're comfortable in outfits a lot because we found another clip from when you were younger. ( laughter ) the one thing i love about you is you always approach all your parts with tremendous dignity. >> well, i've kept that as a promise to myself. once i get in, i'll approach everything i do from that dignified point of view. i don't want to do anything that could embarrass me. >> stephen: um, jim? >> he had a problem. ♪ ♪ people noticed. and one day he noticed. ♪ ♪ that's when i found out about shield deodorant soap. unlike ordinary soap, shield keeps you smelling fresh and clean all day long. ( cheers and applause ) hey, you're a changed man! >> shield works long after ordinary soaps don't. >> damn you, colbert! damn you!
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's a pretty sexy skunk! that's a pretty sexy skunk! >> that's a sexy-- pungent skunk! >> stephen: man, how old were you when you were doing that? >> i was, like, 25. >> stephen: isn't it amazing when you're younger how excited -- you must have been so excited to get that part. >> i was absolutely beside myself. >> stephen: i couldn't get arrested to make commercials when i was younger. i would have killed for that commercial! >> yeah, i know. >> stephen: because you can pay rent! now, you're in new york right now shooting something with kevin hart called "the untouchables" right here. >> oh, i don't know if you-- >> stephen: what's going on in this photo right here. >> i don't know if you should-- >> stephen: we can show this. what is happening in this photo right here? >> well, you know, there are-- >> stephen: the name of the film is "untouchable." ( laughter ) what's going on? >> and... career. >> stephen: the dignity parade continues.
>> out the window! um, well, you know, from time to time there are things you can do on the set to energize the crew or just being by energized. >> stephen: i've never sprung this on my crew yet. ( laughter ) >> what are you waiting for?! and kevin hart is a good sport. he took it the wrong way. so-- ( laughter ) >> stephen: you're also, i understand that you're going to be doing an adaptation-- a stage adaptation of "network" in london. >> yes. >> stephen: who are you playing? for those of you who haven't seen it, it's a tremendous, a prophetic film from 1974 about what happens to network news and what happens to sort of american culture. >> and paddy cheyefsky wrote it as a satire back in the day and now doesn't seem so satirical. >> stephen: i showed-- i actually just watched it three weeks ago with my 15-year-old son and he said, "i thought you said this was a comedy." ( laughter ) he said, seriously, i don't understand the joke, this is
what tv is like. >> yeah, it's very potent and will resonate with today's audiences. i'm doing it in london at the national theatre, and i'm very excited. i play howard biehl, i'm mad as hell and i'm not going to take it anymore! >> stephen: wow, i think people are ready-- i think people are ready to yell that again. >> i think so, yeah. >> stephen: are you guys ready to yell that again? >> i'm mad as hell- ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: wait. i'm mad as hell and i'm not going to take it anymore. one, two, three! >> i'm mad as hell and i'm not going to take it anymore! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: yeah. >> well, that's good! so, by the graciousness of "the late show" and stephen colbert, he has invited this entire audience to come over to london at the end of the year-- >> stephen: i'm paying. >> to see my play. >> stephen: i'm paying. >> you're paying. he's paying. >> stephen: that's a tv promise. >> that's a tv promise. >> stephen: "saban's power rangers" is in theaters this friday. the great bryan cranston, everybody!
( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back with audra mcdonald. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) but grandma, we useo charmin ultra softsoft. so we don't have to wad to get clean. mmm, cushiony...and we can use less. charmin ultra soft gets you clean without the wasteful wadding. it has comfort cushions you can see that are softer... ...and more absorbent, and you can use up to 4 times less.
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>> nonsense! now, let's see what i've got in my drawers! oh! how embarrassing! >> stephen: please welcome audra mcdonald! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hello. ( cheers and applause ) hello, you lovely creature. nice to see you again. >> it's nice to see you lovely creature yourself. >> stephen: the last time you were here about a year ago, right? >> yes. >> stephen: you were here, you were about the take off and go to london to perform in the west end. >> yeah. >> stephen: to do a billie holiday show, "lady day at emerson's bar and grill." >> yes. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: how did that go? it was a beautiful show. how did they like it in england? >> um, i didn't quite get there. uh, i got pregnant.
( laughter ) it's okay. i'm married, it's okay. >> stephen: it's okay even if you weren't. even if you weren't. >> but i was supposed to do it and lo and behold at my ripe old age i got pregnant so i had a baby instead. >> stephen: oh, congratulations. >> thank you. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's a whole other opening. >> yeah. oh, my god! >> stephen: so, boy or a girl? >> a little girl, sally jane, she's four months old. >> stephen: is this your first child, second child? >> my second child. my first child is 16. ( laughs ) >> stephen: oh, wow, so you have a built-in baby sitter. >> yes, that's the best part. >> stephen: that's fantastic. i have a sister who is 16 years older than i am. >> are you guys close? >> stephen: yeah, kind of like a second mom, it's very nice. my sister mary, yeah. >> aww. >> stephen: so wow, okay, you seem very chipper and fresh for somebody with a little baby. because their >> yeah, they're a lot. they are tiring, indeed. >> stephen: yeah. >> you know, but i sort of feel like i'm blessed enough to have this one and i'm just going to
enjoy it even though, you know, it-- it wrecks you a little bit but it blows you up in ways that you never thought possible. >> stephen: but you're working through it in interesting ways. uh, show this little-- there's a tweet which i love. this is true motherhood, i believe. you tweeted this. you just-- i don't know when you did this, but you just tweeted this, you just said: "i just spilled grits on my baby's foot, then ate said grits from said foot, #motheroftheyear." ( cheers and applause ) how did this... did the baby step in the grits? what happened? >> believe it or not, i was nursing the baby while i was trying to eat grits. i was in the south doing a concert, and the grits were so good, i was going to eat every last bit of it. and i'm trying to nurse her, i'm eating it, and the last little bit of it landed on her foot and i was like, "i want those grits." ( laughter ) so while i was nursing her, i just lifted her foot and-- ( laughter ) and i thought--
>> stephen: that's better than a spoon. >> this is multi-tasking and also sort of embarrassing and i had to confess. which is why i went to twitter, to confess. just as tasty with a little bit of foot on them. >> stephen: the dangerous thing about eating grits off a baby's foot is there is not a ham hock in the world as juicy as that baby's foot. ( laughter ) you just want to keep going. >> exactly. >> stephen: it's like foie gras. well marbled. ( laughter ) >> it was worth it, it's absolutely worth it. the grits were worth it. >> stephen: well, you had a very busy fall besides having a baby, you also received the national medal of the arts. okay, congratulations. >> thank you. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: what a singular honor. because you're already lady tony, you've got six tony's. but national medal of the arts is tremendous. when was it and did you go to the white house? >> yes, i went to the white house and president obama awards the-- >> stephen: i remember that guy! ( cheers and applause ) yeah! >> and i was hugely pregnant. i was due any day but i was not going to miss this chance to go, so i thought maybe i'll give
birth at the white house! i don't know. maybe that's what's going to happen today, i don't know. >> stephen: wow. >> and so it's a very formal affair. i mean it's lovely in the afternoon when you have the reception and all that stuff, but then it gets very formal when it's time to present the medal. the president stands there holding the medal, and there's somebody from the military guard who reads a citation about you, and there's about 20 people who are getting the award. and so we were lined up in who's supposed to get the award next. so the person on this side of me goes up and gets his award. and i'm thinking, " okay, you can do this, you can walk up there with your big old belly." and then he skips to the guy on the other side of me. i thought, "okay." and then after that, he went to the guy on the other side of that guy, and i kept thinking, "maybe i'm not getting one." and president obama looked, he kept looking, he's like, "we skipped her. why are we skipping her?" and they said, "we don't have a citation for her." and i said-- >> stephen: they lost the paperwork? >> they lost the paper. so president obama said, "i know her, she's a friend of mine. i'll make up some stuff about
her." so he was getting ready to make up some stuff about me. i'm thinking, "of course, my big moment and it's just going really well." so finally, they find the paper, they run it up to the guy and he starts to read it. and then as i step up there i'm thinking, "don't screw it up." and, you know, "smile and shake mr. obama's hand." and as he's shaking my hand he said, "you just had to mess this up, didn't you?" ( laughter ) >> stephen: thank you so much for being here. >> thank you. my pleasure. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: "beauty and the beast" is in theaters now. the lovely and talented audra mcdonald, everybody. we'll be right back with a performance by standup comedian greer barnes. stick around! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ to feel this special... you need to eat this special. ♪ ♪ i love it start your day with crunchy whole-grain flakes... and real strawberries. special k. eat special. feel special.
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( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey! welcome back, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) folks, my next guest is a regular of the comedy cellar here in new york, who recently made a notable appearance on hbo's "crashing." ♪ but we can't see eye to eye >> hey, man, you bumped me. >> what? >> yeah, you bumped me, took my spot. see, i'm supposed to do colbert tomorrow night.
if i have a bad set on colbert tomorrow, you're going to be halfway to an ass whooping. >> stephen: please welcome greer barnes! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you. i guess i'll get right into it. um, i don't like walking up behind white women at night. ( laughter ) makes me really uncomfortable, so i cross the street. ( laughter ) and in the hood, you walk with your head down. that's how you do it. you're in the hood. soon as you get in the house you're, like, whoo! i made it! ( laughter ) i better call my mom. hi, mommy! yeah, i made it! yeah, love you, too. bye-bye.
so a couple of night ago, i'm walking home. i've got my beats going-- i don't have no headphones, just beats going-- ( laughter ) and i'm walking -- ( voicing beats ) --uh-oh, white woman. ( laughter ) i better cross the street. ( voicing beats ) uh-oh, another white woman. ( laughter ) so now i'm walking in the middle of the street, which makes it look even more creepy. ( laughter ) almost like, which one of these women? ( laughter ) then there's the cab driver-- ( honking ) ( in indian accent ) get out of the street, brother! >> i'm, like, vishnu, there are white women all over the place. ( in indian accent ) holy crap, get in! ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause )
>> and he drives me to safety. ( laughter ) and he's, like, "brother, when walking at night, you have to be very careful. these policemen and white women are very dangerous, brother. you have to take care of yourself, denzel." ( laughter ) that's not my name. ( laughter ) i know a lot of you white women are looking at me, like, "oh, my god, i didn't know you guys felt that way!" ( laughter ) so i'm seeing white women talking to black guys on the street, like, "it's okay, you can walk behind me. this is america, you shouldn't feel that way. rawwr! i'm kidding. why are you running?" ( laughter ) if i was a white woman, i would rob black dudes.
( laughter ) i'd walk up to the black guy and, like, "hi, my name is sarah, give me your wallet." ( laughter ) sarah? that's my grand-momma's name. "give me your wallet or i'm gonna scream." wait a minute! here, sarah! ( laughter ) there's a couple white women in here who are like, "we could actually do that. i mean, i hate to say it, but who's gonna believe him?" ( laughter ) i'll be explaining it to an officer-- yeah, she was about this tall, she had brown hair, brown eyes, i think she did yoga. ( laughter ) and she ran in that direction. and you mean to tell me a man of your stature couldn't catch her. what do i look like chasing a white-- no, no, i couldn't catch her.
( laughter ) be an epidemic of white women robbing black dudes. white women would be waiting outside of black clubs, like, "you have to come out some time!" ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) thank you. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: his first comedy album, "see what i'm saying" is now available on itunes. greer barnes, everybody! we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪
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( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: that's it for the "late show," everybody. tune in tomorrow when my guests will be ryan reynolds, josh lucas, andy daly, and musical guest green day. now stick around for james corden. captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> james: tonight on the "late, late show" samuel l. jackson and i re- create his entire film career. >> hold on to your butts! ( laughter ) >> james: plus january jones, music from sting, and it starts now. ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause )